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Chained Heart

Affliction Of Contradiction

Have you ever wanted two things at the same time knowing that they cannot coexist together as one, so you go for the one and it’s always the wrong choice, but, keep making that same choice over and over hoping this time will be the way?

Well, it’s becoming a sideline story for me.

*Warning: If you don’t want to know some sexual details about me, then, I suggest you read another posting. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.*

My sex – love life is one big contradiction. This is just part of it and why it is.

There is two opposite sides to me. Some only know what they see, and some know the inner me.

The one side is a die hard romantic at heart. I am very loving, want to do so many sweet things, and just be with a special someone because being with them is the place to be and the best moments in life ever. I do believe in love, true love, the kind that lasts forever no matter what. I like to cook clean do dishes laundry and all the things thats “housewife” in the traditional sense. Laying in someone’s arms, just sitting with each other at the beach or in a park, savoring every moment wishing that moment would last a lifetime. I like to be loved like that in return and actually demand to be treated with the respect, courtesy kindness that someone would treat their special sweetheart with. Real love, not some cheap “myspace comment” generic love, or some fake ass “gangsta” steet love. I have to be the one, the only, the queen of the world. And I do like making love, at times.

But …

The other side of me is what contradicts this. I have this very kinky submissive side. I’m also the person who likes pain, you know, hard going rough sex. I like name calling, call me a bitch a slut a whore and it turns me on, at times. Pull my hair, hit me, tie me up or just throw me down and do me. It drives me crazy all of that. Make me do sexual things for money, yes, you know what that means. All of these things also gets me turned on, alot to be honest.

I do attract both types of persona’s, however, nobody has been both. Some try but one will always overpower the other and it makes a one way or the other senario.

The sweet sincere person for some reason, I just can’t believe that someone would want to be that person to me. You know, things too good to be true usually are, and that is what I live by. I do have trust issues, anyone who knows me will tell you that. So, I look for the bad, expecting it, because nothing can be one hundred percent good. That is why I think I never go for that type.

I am attracted to danger, and I think that shows in me. I think that if someone says “I’ll beat you until your ass is bruised” then I know it will happen and know what to expect. It’s like, it’s bad yes but it’s honest. What you see is what you get. But, I want mutual conscentual things to happen. The wild kinky stuff because we both want it. However, there are the days, even the day after the rough stuff, that I don’t want to be treated like that and want to just do the lovey stuff and be respected. But this type can’t do that and in the end, it doesn’t work because it turns to abuse. Being neglected, humiliated, cheated on and left to feel like complete trash.

It’s not the persons fault at all in my case. I want things and I know full well that they will turn to the things I hate. In the end when it doesn’t work, it leaves two people hurt. The other is hurt because they think I want one thing and they give it to me and I do a complete flip and wonder why I’m being treated like a whore when in fact, I wanted to be. If I ever went for someone who wants to be sweet and give me flowers and such, I’d flip because they wouldn’t be the type to give me the pain I want and I’d be left unsatisfied and I’d leave them too, not for doing wrong, but probably for doing everything right. I would also suspect anyone treating me too nice, to be doing dumb shit and trying to cover it up.

I am in control of my own destiny and I know this. This cycle I do bring on myself, and I end up hurting people, and end up being lost wondering if it is possible for the two types to be in one person and one day I will find that special someone.

Why did I post this? It’s what is going on inside my head at the moment, and it does bug me. You can comment if you like. But another warning, I do get alot of good advice and go do the opposite anyways. I may be smart, but I’m also hard headed. When I get an idea I just go with it and ignore the warning signs.

Thats all for now.

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Mandi Faux

♥ Trans ♥ Sex Worker ♥ Fashion ♥ Music ♥ She/Her ♥

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